A letter from the Big House, Pennsylvania Avenue

As you probably know I had the biggest meeting ever in Florida.  It was the biggest show of support for a President – ever!  Fantastic, did I give them something to cheer about – I sure did.

What about Sweden I said, what about Sweden?  They applauded this fantastic announcement.  What about Sweden?  Well a traffic light malfunctioned in Malmo and who knows if that’s a sign of jihadist action over there.  Over there, that’s right over there because they’re not over here.  They’re not over here because they know I’m the strongest Presdient ever- period.

I told them about the CIA, CNN and lots of other false news people who are perverting the truth and saying things like i didn’t get the biggest crowds at my inaugeration. They are saying I know Russia and I know Putin.  Let me tell you I’ve never been to Russia except a couple of times for a beauty contest.  That was some beauty contest let me tell you the best ever! By the way don’t believe what else you here – nonsense, believe me, nonsense.

As you now I’m here to drain the swamp, to get rid of corruption, generally make changes.  I’m even thinking of painting this place, after all Ivanka is the greatest designer – ever.  Maybe we’ll paint it beige or yellow, the white house is so bland… so bland.

In foreign affairs, I’ve really set the world alight, it’s so exciting.  My handshakes have really made their mark.  Just that guy from Canada, who screwed things up, he’d better watch it or we’ll build a wall.  That’ll show him not to wreck my handshake power show.  Did you see the Japanese guy, boy I really got him.  Then Theresa May came over, the Queen of England sent her to invite me to play golf with her, not Theresa, the Queen.  My mom loves the Queen, let me tell you she’s thrilled that I’ll be playing golf with the Queen – how great is that?

What next? Well after my first fantastic month as the most popular President ever, I’m looking forward to getting rid of all these folk who shouldn’t be here in the United States. I’m going to expel anybody I don’t like and that’s the truth.  I’m going to meet Putin and put right I-rack, I-ran, and I-sis.  I guess that’s going to be a hell of a handshake.